Tantrums and Challenging Children
Challenging Child and Temper Tantrums
Does your child have sudden or frequent outbursts of anger or frequent tantrums? It can be difficult in the moment to think about how to help a child who’s having a tantrum. It is easy for parents to get caught up in their own emotions: like being frustrated or embarrassed that your child is acting like this or wondering what other people might think if they see your child acting like this. Sometimes parents just feel helpless in the midst of their child’s outburst. I often recommend to parents that its important to think about how you help your child while their tantruming in context of what we know about kids and their brains.
Dr. Daniel Siegel talks about the brain as having an upstairs and downstairs. The upstairs of the brain is the part of the brain is responsible for: decision making, planning evaluating decisions, empathy and morality. Whereas the downstairs brain is responsible for: automatic reactions, and impulses (like fight/flight/freeze), and strong emotions like anger and fear. Throughout childhood and into young adulthood the upstairs brain is under construction. When challenging children tantrum the downstairs brain hijacks the upstairs brain. Another way to think about upstairs and downstairs brain is to think about the accelerator (downstairs) and brakes (upstairs) of a car.
Here are three quick tips that parents should remember when their child is having a tantrum.
3 Ways to help children with tantrums:
Stay calm
Our brains work in pretty incredible ways. For example mirror neurons fire or activate in our brains in response to observing the behavior of others. This means that our brain activates in a way that is similar to the person who we’re observing. By being calm and grounded while your child is throwing a tantrum you will radiate to him safety and calmness that will help your child use the brakes of his or her brain. Think of this as being an emotional anchor for you child while they are in the midst of their tantrum.
Avoid Negotiation or Threats
It very easy to try to appeal to children’s rational selves when they’re upset, or try to engage the upstairs the brain in negotiation –If you don’t stop screaming, you’re going to be grounded. It’s important to remember that when children are flooded with emotions (the accelerator is pedal to the metal) the brakes just don’t work. In these moments parents need to be the brakes for their children, and focus on helping their child calm down to the point where they can engage the upstairs of their child’s brain.
Prepare for situations that are known to be difficult
In a previous post I talked about how challenging children aren’t challenging all of the time. There are times when they have difficulty and times when they don’t. If we pay close attention to what precedes challenging episode, parents’ can predict situations that difficult for children. For example, if you know your child has a difficult time transitioning from dance class to heading the car and going home you can plan additional ways to support him or her being successful: like by reminding him or her a few minutes before its time to leave, or by allowing extra time between transitions so not to have to rush. When we plan for difficult situations we can help children be successful and reduce tantrums.
Sometimes parents benefit from support or coaching around managing behavior problems in young children. PCIT or Parent-Child Interaction Therapy is an evidenced-based treatment for young children (2-7) with behavioral problems.
Reference:
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. New York: Delacorte Press.
Jeff LaPonsie LMSW
Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, and South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma related disorders.