Tantrums – When Kids flip their lid
Ever find yourself lost as to why your child tantrums? Maybe you’ve heard yourself saying (or pleading) to your child, “If you don’t stop crying right now, you’re really going to be in trouble,” or “Calm down!” It’s like the tantrum that your kid is in the middle of is a hostage negotiation. Needless to say you’ve probably felt like there are words coming out of your mouth, but your child isn’t hearing you. This frustrating experience where children are so deeply dysregulated they are not behaving rationally is very explainable. We need to compassionately consider how children manage big feelings and how their growing brains weigh pro’s and con’s, evaluate decisions and consider cause and effect.
Tantrums and the Brain
Consider Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain. The limbic system is the part of the brain that regulates arousal, mood and the fight-flight-freeze response everyone has. The front part of the brain regulates the limbic system, helping you think, “Is this a good idea?” “Will this get me in trouble?” “What will happen if I do this?”
Tantrums happen when children”flip their lid.” When the emotional center of a child’s brain hijacks the front part of the brain.
For really wonderful reasons the limbic system is able to hijack the brain–taking charge until the brain’s threat is managed. This is wonderful in the event you come across a rattlesnake; you don’t think, “Hmm… I wonder if that is a friendly venomous snake.” No. You do a couple of things immediately to manage the danger in the moment without thinking.
Responding to Tantrums
Now, for children who are anxious or may have experienced something traumatic, or who otherwise have trouble tolerating big feelings, the threshold for the downstairs hijacking the brain is much lower. What is most important to consider is when children, as Dan Siegel puts it, have “flipped their lid” is that the parental response needs to be different because the part of the brain that responds to reason, and can consider negotiations, threats, pleas is not on-line.
If we know that the front part of the brain that handles rational thought is inhibited, or turned off, when kids are greatly dysregulated — the strategy of negotiating, pleading, bargaining will not work. The intervention then, as a parent, is helping your child learn to manage big feelings before they “flip their lid.” Parents must help their children calm down if the child’s limbic system has hijacked the front of the brain.
Helping children learn to name their big feelings and recover from emotional hijacking is important because it helps increase their ability to manage big feelings and learn the cues that their bodies are giving them that they’re about to flip their lid. Check out previous blogs about when children tantrum, or when they are challenging.
Jeff LaPonsie LMSW
Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, Mattawan, and South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma related disorders.