Category: <span>Parenting</span>

Parenting School • By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

A Smooth Transition: Preparing Kids for Back to School with Schedules and Bedtime

As summer draws to a close and the familiar scent of new school supplies fills the air, it’s time for parents and guardians to start thinking about the upcoming school year. One key aspect of a successful transition back to the classroom is establishing solid routines, including schedules and bedtime. In this blog post, we’ll explore the importance of routines in a child’s academic success and provide practical tips on how to prepare your kids for the return to school with well-structured schedules and consistent bedtime routines.

The Power of Routines

Routines are the building blocks of stability and consistency in a child’s life. They provide a sense of security and predictability, which is particularly crucial during times of change, such as the transition from summer vacation to school. Establishing routines helps children develop self-discipline, time management skills, and a strong work ethic. It also contributes to better mental and emotional well-being by reducing stress and anxiety.

Gradual Schedule Adjustment

To ease the transition from lazy summer days to the structured school environment, consider gradually adjusting your child’s schedule a couple of weeks before school starts. Start by moving bedtime and wake-up time closer to their school routine. Adjust mealtimes and playtimes accordingly as well. This approach helps children adapt to the new schedule without feeling rushed or overwhelmed.  The use of a visual calendar can be helpful for younger children.

Set a Consistent Bedtime

Sleep is essential for a child’s growth, development, and overall well-being. According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, school-aged children (6-12 years old) need 9-12 hours of sleep each night. Establish a consistent bedtime that allows your child to get the recommended amount of sleep. Consistency is key; going to bed and waking up at the same times every day helps regulate their internal body clock.  We’ve written about bedtime before, children getting a good night’s sleep is critical for their school success.

Create a Relaxing Bedtime Routine

A soothing bedtime routine signals to your child that it’s time to wind down and prepare for sleep. Consider activities such as reading a book together, taking a warm bath, or practicing deep breathing exercises. Minimize screen time at least an hour before bedtime, as the blue light emitted by electronic devices has been shown to get in the way of getting quality shut-eye!  Bedtime rituals are a wonderful way to add moments of calmness and connection just as kids close out their day.

Plan Ahead for Mornings

Mornings can often be a rush, with last-minute searches for missing shoes or unfinished homework. Make mornings smoother by preparing the night before. Lay out clothes, pack backpacks, and have lunches ready to go. This not only saves time but also reduces stress for both you and your child.

Involve Your Child

Engage your child in the process of setting up their schedules and bedtime routines. This gives them a sense of ownership and responsibility, making them more likely to adhere to the routines. Discuss the importance of sleep and how it affects their ability to learn, play, and stay healthy.

Conclusion

As the school year approaches, creating structured schedules and consistent bedtime routines is an investment in your child’s success and well-being. Routines provide the framework for a smooth transition from the carefree days of summer to the demands of the academic year. By gradually adjusting schedules, setting consistent bedtimes, creating relaxing bedtime routines, planning ahead for mornings, and involving your child in the process, you’ll pave the way for a positive and successful school experience. Remember, the key to a successful routine is consistency, patience, and a dash of creativity to make the process enjoyable for both you and your child.

Jeff LaPonsie LMSW
jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo therapy

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, Mattawan, and South West Michigan areas. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at-risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment, and trauma-related disorders.

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Challenging children Child Counseling Family Counseling Parenting By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

Unlocking a Brighter Future: The Profound Benefits of Child Counseling

Childhood is a time of wonder, discovery, and growth, but it can also be a period of challenges and uncertainties. Every child navigates a unique journey, facing various emotional, social, and psychological hurdles along the way. In such moments, child counseling emerges as a guiding light, offering a range of invaluable benefits that foster emotional well-being, resilience, and personal growth. In this blog post, we’ll delve into the transformative advantages of child counseling and explore how it can unlock a brighter future for the youngest members of our society.

Emotional Expression and Regulation

Children often lack the verbal skills and emotional vocabulary to express their feelings and concerns effectively. Counseling provides them with a safe and non-judgmental space to articulate their emotions, whether it’s sadness, anger, fear, or confusion. By learning to recognize and express their feelings, children develop essential emotional regulation skills that empower them to cope with challenges in healthier ways.

Enhanced Self-Esteem and Confidence

Childhood experiences significantly shape a child’s self-esteem and self-worth. Through counseling, children can explore their strengths, talents, and unique qualities, which in turn fosters a positive self-image. A skilled counselor helps children identify and challenge negative self-perceptions, allowing them to develop a strong sense of self-confidence that lays the foundation for a more resilient future.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can improve self-esteem and positive self-talk.

Effective Communication Skills

Clear and effective communication is a crucial life skill. Child counseling equips young minds with the tools to express themselves, their needs, and their boundaries assertively and respectfully. These communication skills extend to interactions with family, peers, and authority figures, setting the stage for healthier relationships throughout their lives.

Coping Strategies and Problem-Solving

Childhood is peppered with challenges, both big and small. Learning effective coping strategies early on empowers children to navigate stressors and setbacks with grace. In counseling, children discover a repertoire of coping mechanisms that suit their individual needs, including mindfulness, relaxation techniques, and creative outlets like art or play therapy. Moreover, they develop problem-solving skills that enable them to tackle challenges with resilience and confidence.

Social and Emotional Intelligence

Navigating complex social dynamics and understanding others’ emotions are vital skills for any child. Child counseling helps children develop empathy, emotional intelligence, and social awareness, fostering better relationships with peers and family members. These skills are essential for successful collaboration, teamwork, and maintaining healthy friendships throughout their lives.

Healing from Trauma

Children may encounter traumatic events that deeply affect their well-being and development. Child counseling provides a safe environment for processing and healing from traumatic experiences, allowing children to regain a sense of security and normalcy. Early intervention can significantly reduce the long-term impact of trauma and prevent potential psychological challenges down the road.  TF-CBT is well researched and evidence-based treatment for PTSD.

Academic Success

Emotional well-being and academic performance are closely intertwined. Children who receive counseling are better equipped to manage stress and anxiety related to schoolwork. By addressing underlying emotional challenges, child counseling enhances a child’s ability to focus, concentrate, and engage in the learning process, ultimately paving the way for improved academic achievement.

Conclusion

Child counseling is a profound investment in a child’s emotional and psychological well-being. By offering a space for emotional expression, confidence-building, communication skill development, and trauma healing, counseling empowers children to navigate life’s challenges with resilience and grace. The benefits of child counseling extend far beyond childhood, influencing future relationships, academic success, and overall happiness. As parents, caregivers, and educators, it is our responsibility to recognize the importance of child counseling and provide our young ones with the support they need to thrive.

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo therapy
 

Jeff LaPonsie LMSW

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, Mattawan, and South West Michigan areas. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at-risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment, and trauma-related disorders.

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The Importance of Parental Self-Care: Nurturing Your Child Starts with Nurturing Yourself

Parenting is a rewarding yet demanding journey that requires tremendous emotional and physical energy. In the process of caring for our children, we often forget to prioritize our own mental well-being. However, it is essential for parents to recognize that taking care of their own mental health is crucial not only for their personal well-being but also for their ability to provide the best support and care for their children. Parental self-care matters and we will discuss practical strategies to incorporate self-care into the parenting journey.

The role of parental mental health.

Parents serve as the primary caregivers and emotional anchors for their children. When parents are struggling with their mental health, it can have a significant impact on their ability to meet their children’s needs effectively. Children are incredibly perceptive and can sense when their parents are stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed. By prioritizing their mental well-being, parents can create a positive and stable environment that fosters the healthy development of their children.

If you’re struggling with the guilt of taking time for yourself, you’re in good company.

Many parents experience guilt when they take time for themselves, feeling that they should always prioritize their children’s needs. However, it is essential to recognize that self-care is not selfish but rather a necessary investment in one’s own well-being. Taking care of yourself allows you to recharge, replenish your energy, and become a more patient and present parent.

Modeling healthy coping is critical.

Parents play a critical role in shaping their children’s behavior and emotional regulation. By practicing self-care and prioritizing their mental health, parents demonstrate healthy coping mechanisms to their children. They teach their children the value of self-care and show them that it is okay to take breaks, set boundaries, and seek support when needed. This modeling can help children develop resilience and create a positive foundation for their own mental well-being.

Self-Care

Incorporating self-care into the parenting routine does not have to be time-consuming or extravagant. Simple strategies can make a significant difference in parental well-being. Some practical self-care ideas include carving out small pockets of “me time,” engaging in hobbies or activities that bring joy, practicing mindfulness or meditation, exercising regularly, seeking social support, and setting realistic expectations for oneself.

It doesn’t need to be this hard, reach out for help.

Parenting can be challenging, and it is okay to ask for help.   I wish parents reaching out for counseling help was as routine as scheduling a doctor’s appointment when you have flu. Seeking professional help from therapists or counselors can provide a safe space for parents to process their emotions, gain valuable insights, and develop effective coping strategies.   Parents are the bedrock of their children’s lives, and their own mental health directly impacts their ability to provide love, support, and guidance. Prioritizing parental self-care is not a luxury but a necessity. By taking care of their own mental well-being, parents create a nurturing environment that fosters healthy development and well-being for both themselves and their children. Remember, self-care is not a selfish act—it is an act of love for yourself and your family. So, take a moment today to prioritize your mental health, because a well-cared-for parent is better equipped to care for their child’s needs.

 

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo therapyJeff LaPonsie LMSW

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, Mattawan, and South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at-risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma-related disorders.

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Using the PRIDE Skills during Play

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) is an evidence-based treatment that aims to improve the relationship between a parent and their child. One of the key components of PCIT is the use of PRIDE skills, which are techniques that help parents build positive interactions with their children. In this blog post, we’ll take a closer look at the PRIDE skills in PCIT and how they can benefit both parents and children.

PRIDE stands for praise, reflect, imitate, describe, and enjoy. Let’s break down each of these skills and explore how they can be used in PCIT:

Praise: This skill involves giving specific and positive feedback to your child for their good behavior. Praise can help build your child’s confidence, encourage positive behavior, and strengthen your relationship with them. When using praise in PCIT, it’s important to be specific about what behavior you’re praising and to use an enthusiastic tone of voice. For example, “Great job sharing your toys with me!”

Reflect: This skill involves repeating back to your child what they’ve said to you, to show that you’re listening and to help your child feel understood. Reflecting can help your child feel heard and validated, and can also help prevent misunderstandings. When using reflection in PCIT, it’s important to use the same words your child used and to maintain a calm and supportive tone of voice.

Imitate: This skill involves copying your child’s behavior to show that you’re interested in what they’re doing and to help them feel connected to you. Imitating can help your child feel validated and can also encourage positive behavior. When using imitation in PCIT, it’s important to be playful and lighthearted and to follow your child’s lead. For example, if your child is playing with blocks, you might start building your own tower.

Describe: This skill involves narrating your child’s behavior to help them learn new words and concepts, and to encourage positive behavior. Describing can help your child feel heard and understood, and can also help them develop their language skills. When using description in PCIT, it’s important to be specific about what your child is doing and to use a supportive and encouraging tone of voice. For example, “You’re stacking the blue block on top of the red block!”

Enjoy: This skill involves having fun with your child and enjoying positive experiences together. Enjoying can help build your relationship with your child and can also help them develop positive memories. When using enjoyment in PCIT, it’s important to be present in the moment and to focus on having fun with your child. For example, you might play a game together, go for a walk, or have a special snack together.

By using the PRIDE skills in PCIT, parents can strengthen their relationship with their child and encourage positive behavior. These skills can also help parents develop their own parenting skills, improve their communication with their child, and reduce their own stress and frustration. Overall, the PRIDE skills are an essential component of PCIT and can benefit both parents and children in many ways.

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo therapyJeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, Mattawan, and the South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at-risk youth. His clinical expertise includes providing play therapy with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma-related disorders.

Anxiety COVID-19 Family Counseling Family Therapy Parenting • By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

4 Tips To Get A Good Night’s Sleep

In today’s world, getting the right amount of sleep, not to mention good quality, can be very difficult. Below are some ideas on how to get the best sleep you can. 

Avoid Food and Drinks That Keep You Awake

Coffee, pop, tea, and chocolate all have caffeine levels that can interfere with sleep. It is helpful to avoid these items a few hours prior to going to bed. 

Promote a Sleeping Environment In Your Bedroom

  • A dark, cool room with temperatures between 60 and 75 degrees can help you fall asleep.
  • Blackout curtains help remove any light streaming in from windows.
  • White noise machines are useful if sleeping in total silence is difficult.
  • Use your bed for sleep only—this will help your body attribute the space to somewhere you go when it’s bedtime. 

Establish a “Getting Ready for Bed” Routine 

When you do the same low-strain activities right before bed, your body will start to recognize that these activities signal it’s almost time to go to sleep. Common calming activities include:

  • Brushing your teeth.
  • Taking a bath.
  • Practicing mindfulness and deep breathing exercises.
  • Reading a book. 
  • Avoiding any activity that will power your brain up such as:
    • Talking about emotional issues.
    • Exercising.
    • Working.

Watch Screen Time Before Bed

It is helpful to be mindful of how much screen time you engage in two hours prior to going to sleep. The blue light that is found in phones, tablets, computers, and TVs can trick your body into thinking it’s daytime and can increase alertness in the body. This makes sleep more difficult or of less quality. 

References:

Healthy Sleep. (2007). Twelve simple tips to improve your sleep. Retrieved from http://healthysleep.med.harvard.edu/healthy/getting/overcoming/tips

Yeager, A. (2017). Evening screen time can sabotage sleep. Retrieved from https://www.sciencenewsforstudents.org/article/evening-screen-time-can-sabotage-sleep

Challenging children Child Counseling Family Counseling Family Therapy Parenting • • By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

5 Ways to Communicate With Kids Effectively

Sometimes, it can be difficult to talk to kids in effective ways that promote growth and understanding. Below are five tips to help you communicate more successfully with children.

Understand when to connect and disconnect

Every person needs time to be with others and to be alone. It is helpful to communicate with kids when adults need time to themselves. This way, adults set boundaries and kids can learn to as well through the adults’ examples.

Take ownership for your part

When repairs need to be made in a relationship, it is important for adults to be the ones to make amends. The adult can start by taking responsibility for their part of the issue. This teaches kids to take ownership for their actions or words as they see the adult doing this again and again.

Ask clarifying questions

If things are difficult to understand as the adult, ask the child questions to be able to really comprehend where they are coming from. This can be done by reflecting what they said or by summarizing what they communicated to determine if the adult understood it correctly.

Collaborate with kids

When discussing ways for kids to do better next time, include them in the dialogue. The adult can ask the child if they have any ideas on how the situation could be improved for the future. Including children in the decision making will help them be more invested in the result.

Set emotional boundaries

When talking to kids, it is important to be neutral and connected instead of overly emotional or anxious. By staying neutral, adults give kids a calming presence to help ground them. This also helps communication start off on an effective note.

Do you need help communicating better with your kids? Check out our page on challenging children: https://kzoofamilycounseling.com/index.php/jeff-laponsie-family-counseling/counseling-for-challenging-children-teens/

Anxiety Child Counseling Parenting • • • By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

4 Tips To Help Anxious Kids Relax At Home

In today’s modern world, many kids are stressed by different aspects of life. When kids are feeling overly anxious or worried, have them try these relaxation tips to help them calm down and stay present.

Four Square Breathing

Four-Square Breathing is fun for kids to learn, since it can be described just like the game. Kids will:

  • Breathe in for four seconds
  • Hold their breath for four seconds
  • Breathe out for four seconds
  • Do nothing for four seconds

This exercise can be repeated as many times as necessary to help children calm down. 

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

In Progressive Muscle Relaxation, kids will tense up various muscles in their body and then release them, helping their body and mind calm down. Examples include:

  • Tensing their fists and releasing them.
  • Shrugging their shoulders up to their ears and dropping them.

Each pose can be held for a few seconds and then let go.

Mindfulness

Anxious kids tend to worry about things that have happened or what is to come. In moments like these, ask kids to take a minute to be present. They can do this by looking for a certain color and number of items in the room, such as:

  • Five blue things
  • Four green items

This can orient kids to their surroundings. Mindfulness also helps children take a break from thinking of the stressor. 

Imagery

When stressed, kids may wish they could go somewhere more pleasant. In these moments, it can be helpful for them to think of their favorite place in the world. Kids can close their eyes and imagine they are there. Adults can ask:

  • What does it feel like to sit in that place?
  • What does it smell like?
  • What are the surroundings?
  • Can you draw a picture of your favorite place so you can remember it when you feel stressed in the future?

Imagery helps get kids’ minds off their stressful thoughts and can remind them of places and times that are more pleasant. 

For more information about anxiety with kids and how Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling can help, check out our page on anxiety: https://kzoofamilycounseling.com/index.php/jeff-laponsie-family-counseling/therapy-for-children-with-anxiety/

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Anxiety Child Counseling Parenting • By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

Anxious child? Helping them have a give it a try attitude

Does your hesitant, or anxious child have a hard time trying new things.  Sometimes you probably wish they would just jump and give it a try.  It’s heart wrenching watching them at the sidelines too nervous to join in.  Many children who struggle with anxiety or who worry too much get stuck in the fear of doing something new.  It seems too risky, and they are paralyzed by all the “what if’s.”

Many times, when we want kids to not be anxious, what we’d really like to see, is them being brave.  How do kids learn to be brave?  Bravery is doing something despite feeling scared.   We want kids to try new things or do something despite their worry.  It is simply not realistic to believe that we can reduce all risk and reassure them that nothing bad will happen.  Parents don’t want to provide that sort of security, children need to be able to assess risk and act despite their worry.  After all we want kids to try out for the school play knowing not all who audition will get a part.  Likewise, we want kids to interview for a job, knowing that not everyone who interviews will be hired.

Offering reassurance to an anxious child

Reassuring statements like, “Nothing bad is going to happen,” or “You’ll be fine” surprisingly enough don’t persuade kids to not be anxious.  Additionally, we want nervous or avoidant children to do something despite being anxious, not only act when they feel fine.  An anxious child is more likely perceive an unfamiliar situation as threatening than a non-anxious child.

Anxious children have negative expectations about situations.  These negative expectations drive the fear response that children experience when faced with something uncertain.  Exploring these expectations with children helps them understand that these expectations are just thoughts and what they fear might happen doesn’t always happen.  Additionally, they learn that they can handle and cope with big fears.

Helping kids develop a “give it a try” attitude helps primarily in two ways to reduce anxiety

  1. Parents help children identify negative expectations and test what will happen when they face their fears.
  2. Children are exposed to their fear, and learn that they can cope and handle the stress.

 

Parents can have a tremendous impact on helping their nervous or hesitant child.  Help children talk about their negative expectations, evaluate and take risks help children learn to be brave and not paralyzed by fear.  Chris Hadfield, and astronaut who went blind in space talks about the difference between fear and danger.  The reality is most of the time for anxious children their fear of the situation is different than the danger of the situation and encouraging them to give it a try will help them learn that can deal with stress, anxiety and be just fine.

References:

Creswell, C., Parkinson, M., Thirlwall, K., & Willetts, L. (2017). Parent-led CBT for child anxiety: helping parents help their kids. New York: Guilford Press.

 

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo

Jeff LaPonsie LMSW

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, Mattawan, and the South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at risk youth. His clinical expertise includes providing play therapywith children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma related disorders.

 

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Anxiety Parenting • By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

Avoidance and Anxiety in Children

Avoidance is one of the biggest culprits in the maintenance of anxiety in children.  Avoidance is directly connected to the fight or flight response  each one of us have.  If you’re the parent of an anxious child, helping your child feel calm and safe seems like a job that never ends.  You go through great lengths planning and preparing, and offering reassurance so that your son or daughter don’t experience panic.  After all, fixing problems, and making kids feel better is fundamental to being a parent.  The feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when your child feels fear is wrenching.  No parent wants to see their child in distress.  Whether it’s their panic of giving a speech in front of class, or having to memorize their line in the school play the urge to just make it better for kids in all but overwhelming.

Avoidance and the maintenance of anxiety

One of the most common ways to help children from their anxiety is to acquiesce to their urge to avoid.  For example, if your child is feeling nauseous thinking about going to boy scouts and giving a presentation to the troop, allowing him to be “sick” for the meet up would help calm his nerves.  Or encouraging a child to do something else at recess because the thought of playing football and getting hurt creates stress for the child.  There are many obvious and more subtle ways parents at times encourage child’s avoidance by trying to sooth his or her worries.

Whats the problem with Avoidance?

You might be wondering, what’s the problem with avoidance? Children who are anxious often times have limited experiences where they have gotten stressed out and realized that they are fine.  For some children with anxiety avoidance is their first and most effective strategy to cope with stress.  In fact whenever exposed to stress, anxious children’s first coping strategy  is often  to flee or avoid.  So when children are presented with a stressor, and then avoid the stress their discomfort is alleviated by the act of avoiding it.  In turn the strategy of avoidance is effective in coping and reenforces itself.

Avoidance has a very important role in everyone’s life.  It is connected one of our most important brain functions, our fight/flight/freeze response. The fight/flight/ freeze response is activated when our brain detects a threat.  It is an action of our limbic system, the part of our brain that handles emotions.  When our fight/flight system is activated our higher-order, more sophisticated brain processes come to a halt.  The prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain behind the forehead that manages decision making, planning, attention, executive function slows to a halt when our limbic system turns on.

Simply put it made little sense for the caveman to stop and think about whether the sabretooth tiger looked nice, or tame, or whether it appeared well nourished or hungry.  No the caveman that tried to evaluate the sabretooth was eaten.  The caveman that ran or fought lived.  The reflex to flee or avoid distress is primitive and hard wired into our brains.

The reflex to flee is very helpful when the danger is real.  Unfortunately, too often with children who are anxious the fear is different than the danger.  Often times the event that is prompting the anxiety is not dangerous,  we know that the child will be fine. The avoidance that we see play out in children is an exaggerated response because the child’s perception of how dangerous something is, is off.  Overly anxious children have a fight/flight/freeze response that is too easily activated by stress.  There is little stress that an anxious child can tolerate before their limbic systems hijacks the prefrontal cortex.

How to help Children who avoid

The work then with anxious children who are very avoidant  is to encourage them to have a “give it a try” attitude and to help them learn to tolerate low levels of stress.  Then we work with an anxious child to gradually increase the amount of stress they can handle.  This is similar to when someone goes swimming and they dip their toe in the water to check the tempature.  Next they slowly move from ankle-deep, to their knees, to their waist before eventually going under.  When children are exposed to stress and do not avoid it, they realize they are okay.  The more children experience anxiety and can calm down and realize they are safe, the more the drive to avoid is weakened.

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo

 

 

 

 

Jeff LaPonsie LMSW

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, Mattawan, and the South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at risk youth. His clinical expertise includes providing play therapywith children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma related disorders.

 

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Child Counseling Grief and Loss Parenting • • By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

Grief and Kids : 5 things every grieving child wants their parent to know

The death of family member, friend or significant person in a child’s life is a terrible loss.  Your child may have child lost someone to cancer over the course of time, or suddenly through a heart attack, car accident or suicide. However the loss happened, grief is a challenging time for children.  What we know about grieving children is that big feelings come and go like waves.  It can be challenging for parents and caregivers to know what to do and what to say to children who are clearly hurting.

Grief is normal

Grief is a normal process for children who have lost someone special to them.  When children lose someonenwho has played a major role in their life it is normal for them to struggle. The absence of the person takes time to fully sink in and children often continue to miss the loved one for a while.  Children don’t just “get over” a person’s death, but they do adjust to the new normal.

 

Children should know the truth.

Many parents and caregivers want to protect their children from the difficulties of that come with death.  Often we avoid words like “dead” or “die.”  Although it is hard to share the truth about how someone died, honest answers help build trust and provide understanding to children.  Children are very smart and often will fill in information that they imagine with information they have learned.  Often in our best attempt to shield children from pain we are encouraging unhelpful imaginations to run wild. Telling children the truth about death and dying is important and should be balanced with what is developmentally appropriate.

 

Children should be told what to expect.

Between funerals, wakes and burials, there are a lot of new experiences for children when someone dies.  The decision for whether or not a child should attend a funeral is very specific to the development of the child. Attending a funeral can provide closure to some children yet may frighten and confuse others. These decisions are not ones the can be made easily or quickly and should be carefully considered.

Grieving children often feel alone.

Often adults who are well meaning avoid talking about the deceased person in fear that doing so will make the grief that a child has for a loved one worse.  By doing this there is the risk of encouraging children not to talk about their loss or to think they shouldn’t show grief.  It is helpful to children when grownups acknowledge the grief that everyone is feeling.  When children don’t feel like they can talk about their grief that may wonder, “Am I handling this right?”  “Is there something wrong with me because this is still bothering me?”

 

Every child grieves differently.

There is no set way that we know kids handle the loss of a loved one.  What we do know is that the relationship a child has with the person who died matters.  Just as their relationship was unique so is the way that a child will grieve.  Some grieving children want to talk about the person who died.  Other children actively avoid any and all reminders of the person.  Children express grief differently.

Grief Counseling for children can help

Grief that doesn’t seem to get better with time may be sign that your child may benefit from outside assistance in dealing with the loss.  For children whose grief is getting in the way of being successful at school, or every day life,  therapy that focuses on making sense of the loss, or processing the grief may be needed.

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo

 

 

 

 

Jeff LaPonsie LMSW

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, Mattawan, and South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma related disorders.

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Parenting By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

Fighting in front of your kids? The do’s and dont’s

Ever wonder how fighting in front of your kids impacts them?  You’re worried whether you should or shouldn’t fight in them.  Ashley Carter Youngblood, a marriage and family therapist, and guest blogger offers some advice about fighting in front of your kids.

Fighting in front of your kids

Kids are smart. They learn quickly through what they observe. We all know that. But, parents often forget that, when they fight with their partner, kids learn those behaviors, too.

Much of what we know about “healthy fighting” comes from research from Dr. John Gottman. He and his associates at The Gottman Institute have been doing research on couples since the 1970s. And, their research has recently expanded to include how to apply the techniques learned about effective communication between couples to healthy parenting skills.

There are typically two schools of thought about fighting infant of your kids. The first is the recommendation to always be a united front in front of your kids. The motto here may be “don’t let them see you sweat”. Resolve the conflict behind closed doors. The second theory is that parents should be able to disagree openly in front of their kids in order to demonstrate the realities of life and to (hopefully!) demonstrate positive conflict skills.

Gottman’s research suggests that a location somewhere in the middle of these two approaches is most helpful. Having emotional knock-down drag-out fights in front of kids is not only not helpful, it is damaging to children’s development. Again, kids are smart. They pick up on their parents’ emotions. Even when you think they miss that eye roll, deep sigh, or the name you just called your partner, they are affected.

A set of 50 couples who had 3-month old infants were studied by the Gottmans. With parental fighting, the children had a significantly lower levels of concentration, joy, and the ability to be soothed. The study illustrated the damage fighting in front of kids can have. But, that doesn’t mean that you should hide your emotions, either.

Fighting in front of your kids – Do’s

Having a back and forth argument that is not productive in front of kids is not… well, productive. Instead, you can follow The Gottman’s tips about how to resolve a conflict with gentleness. The key is to remain need-based and emotion-focused.

A helpful structure in these moments of conflict with your partner is to use the following structure “I feel _____  about _____. I need _____.” This may sound something like “I feel frustrated about getting a call from the school about how the kids weren’t picked up on time again. I need verbal confirmation of pickup times when I share them so I know that I am heard.” Because, chances are, the other partner has a different perspective on the situation, that partner can respond with something like “I feel misunderstood about why the kids weren’t picked up from school on time. I need to have a physical schedule where things are written down so that I can avoid mistakes.” Ideally, this structure can be repeatedly used back and forth until increased clarity and a solid plan for improvement is made that is agreed upon by both parties (e.g. they will create a mutual calendar so each partner can reference the correct days and times for pick-up at their leisure).

Using a structure like this avoids the qualities (what they call the “4 Horsemen”) that the Gottmans have found are damaging to relationships.

Fighting in front of your kids – Dont’s

These 4 Horsemen are:

  • criticism
  • contempt
  • defensiveness
  • stonewalling (the “cold shoulder”).

So, when you engage in conflict in front of your kids, do so gently and while using “I statements” instead of using “You statements” that come across as blaming and trigger defensiveness. Then it is much easier to avoid the 4 Horsemen and engage in more productive conflict.

Perhaps most importantly, when you have made a mistake, make sure your kids witness what it is like for you to take responsibility of that and make a repair with your partner. Resolution, as the article linked to above, is understood to be a “wonder drug” for children. It is essential for kids to understand that healthy resolution is possible, even after a conflict where you weren’t on your best behavior.

Take away: When fighting in front of your kids

Conflict is not bad in itself. It is a reality of relationships. However, parents need to consider both how their conflict affects their children and also how those moments, and the repairs that hopefully follow them, are opportunities to raise emotionally-intelligent kids.

 

fighting in front of your kids kalamazooAshley Carter Youngblood is both a limited licensed clinical social worker and marriage and family therapist at Inner Peace Counseling who has been in the field since 2007. She offers counseling in Kalamazoo, Portage, Mattawan, Battle Creek, Paw Paw, and the surrounding areas of Southwest Michigan and is Level 2 Trained in Gottman Method Couples’ Therapy. Her specialties include anxiety, addictions/substance abuse, trauma, depression, holistic healing, counseling for women, relationship issues, mindfulness, and spiritual/cultural issues.

back to school kalamazoo child therapy
Parenting School • By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

Back to School: 3 tips to help kids be ready

Winter break is a wonderful time of year for children to enjoy time with family and friends. It’s also a time to celebrate the holidays their family’s special traditions. Winter break is an exciting and energizing time that is often filled with spontaneity, relaxed schedules, and lowered expectations. For children that struggle with transitions, or benefit from schedules, it can be very difficult to get kids back on track and excited to go back to school.

Here are three tips for parents to help their child be ready for back to school.

#1 Talk to your child about and prepare for the upcoming schedule change

Letting kids know about upcoming schedule changes saves loads of stress. The hustle and bustle of the holidays leaves many kids wondering what’s next. Making sure there are no surprises for children in their schedule helps them anticipate and mentally prepare. Taking some time to prepare and put out clothing the night before the first day back helps the transition back to school go more smoothly.

#2 Readjust sleep and wake times

Getting kids to wake up in time for the morning bus doesn’t need to be a fight. Preparing kids to go back to school after winter break should include getting them to bed at a set time, so that they can wake up when they need to. Starting a sleep routine that prepares kids to wake up with a ready-to-learn attitude is great way to have kids return to school. Kids with predictable bedtimes wake up predictably. If your child has been staying up and sleeping in, helping them get their schedule back on track will help lessen the shock of back to school.

# 3 Discuss and be excited about learning

Fostering excitement and passion for learning is a great way to get kids ready to go back to school. Talking to your child about their friends, class, and what they were learning about before break communicates to them that school is important. Showing excitement and enthusiasm for school will also get your child ready to head back with a positive attitude.

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo

Jeff LaPonsie LMSW

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, Mattawan, and South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma related disorders.

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kalamazoo child therapy tantrum
Challenging children Parenting By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

Tantrums – When Kids flip their lid

Ever find yourself lost as to why your child tantrums?  Maybe you’ve heard yourself saying (or pleading) to your child, “If you don’t stop crying right now, you’re really going to be in trouble,” or “Calm down!” It’s like the tantrum that your kid is in the middle of is a hostage negotiation. Needless to say you’ve probably felt like there are words coming out of your mouth, but your child isn’t hearing you. This frustrating experience where children are so deeply dysregulated they are not behaving rationally is very explainable. We need to compassionately consider how children manage big feelings and how their growing brains weigh pro’s and con’s, evaluate decisions and consider cause and effect.

Tantrums and the Brain

Consider Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain. The limbic system is the part of the brain that regulates arousal, mood and the fight-flight-freeze response everyone has. The front part of the brain regulates the limbic system, helping you think, “Is this a good idea?” “Will this get me in trouble?” “What will happen if I do this?”

Tantrums happen when children”flip their lid.”  When the emotional center of a child’s brain hijacks the front part of the brain.

For really wonderful reasons the limbic system is able to hijack the brain–taking charge until the brain’s threat is managed. This is wonderful in the event you come across a rattlesnake; you don’t think, “Hmm… I wonder if that is a friendly venomous snake.” No. You do a couple of things immediately to manage the danger in the moment without thinking.

Responding to Tantrums

Now, for children who are anxious or may have experienced something traumatic, or who otherwise have trouble tolerating big feelings, the threshold for the downstairs hijacking the brain is much lower. What is most important to consider is when children, as Dan Siegel puts it, have “flipped their lid” is that the parental response needs to be different because the part of the brain that responds to reason, and can consider negotiations, threats, pleas is not on-line.

If we know that the front part of the brain that handles rational thought is inhibited, or turned off, when kids are greatly dysregulated — the strategy of negotiating, pleading, bargaining will not work. The intervention then, as a parent, is helping your child learn to manage big feelings before they “flip their lid.” Parents must help their children calm down if the child’s limbic system has hijacked the front of the brain.

Helping children learn to name their big feelings and recover from emotional hijacking is important because it helps increase their ability to manage big feelings and learn the cues that their bodies are giving them that they’re about to flip their lid.  Check out previous blogs about when children tantrum, or when they are challenging.

 

 

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo

 

 

 

 

 

Jeff LaPonsie LMSW

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, Mattawan, and South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma related disorders.

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kalamazoo child therapy
Challenging children Parenting • By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

Tantrums and Challenging Children

Challenging Child and Temper Tantrums

Does your child have sudden or frequent outbursts of anger or frequent tantrums? It can be difficult in the moment to think about how to help a child who’s having a tantrum.  It is easy for parents to get caught up in their own emotions:  like being frustrated or embarrassed that your child is acting like this or wondering what other people might think if they see your child acting like this.  Sometimes parents just feel helpless in the midst of their child’s outburst.  I often recommend to parents that its important to think about how you help your child while their tantruming in context of what we know about kids and their brains.

Dr. Daniel Siegel talks about the brain as having an upstairs and downstairs. The upstairs of the brain is the part of the brain is responsible for: decision making, planning evaluating decisions, empathy and morality.  Whereas the downstairs brain is responsible for: automatic reactions, and impulses (like fight/flight/freeze), and strong emotions like anger and fear.  Throughout childhood and into young adulthood the upstairs brain is under construction.  When challenging children tantrum the downstairs brain hijacks the upstairs brain.  Another way to think about upstairs and downstairs brain is to think about the accelerator (downstairs) and brakes (upstairs) of a car.

Here are three quick tips that parents should remember when their child is having a tantrum.

3 Ways to help children with tantrums:

Stay calm

Our brains work in pretty incredible ways. For example mirror neurons fire or activate in our brains in response to observing the behavior of others.  This means that our brain activates in a way that is similar to the person who we’re observing.  By being calm and grounded while your child is throwing a tantrum you will radiate to him safety and calmness that will help your child use the brakes of his or her brain.  Think of this as being an emotional anchor for you child while they are in the midst of their tantrum.

Avoid Negotiation or Threats

It very easy to try to appeal to children’s rational selves when they’re upset, or try to engage the upstairs the brain in negotiation –If you don’t stop screaming, you’re going to be grounded. It’s important to remember that when children are flooded with emotions (the accelerator is pedal to the metal) the brakes just don’t work.  In these moments parents need to be the brakes for their children, and focus on helping their child calm down to the point where they can engage the upstairs of their child’s brain.

Prepare for situations that are known to be difficult

In a previous post I talked about how challenging children aren’t challenging all of the time. There are times when they have difficulty and times when they don’t.  If we pay close attention to what precedes challenging episode, parents’ can predict situations that difficult for children.  For example, if you know your child has a difficult time transitioning from dance class to heading the car and going home you can plan additional ways to support him or her being successful: like by reminding him or her a few minutes before its time to leave, or by allowing extra time between transitions so not to have to rush.  When we plan for difficult situations we can help children be successful and reduce tantrums.

Sometimes parents benefit from support or coaching around managing behavior problems in young children.  PCIT or Parent-Child Interaction Therapy is an evidenced-based treatment for young children (2-7) with behavioral problems.

Reference:

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. New York: Delacorte Press.

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo

Jeff LaPonsie LMSW

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, and South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma related disorders.

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child counseling
Child Counseling Parenting By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

Child Counseling

Child Counseling: How can I tell if my child should go to therapy?

So you’re thinking about counseling for your child, and you’re wondering, “Maybe it’s just phase,” or “It doesn’t seem that bad.”  By the nature of growing up, children are learning new things all of the time. With growth come bumps along the way.  Additionally, it can be difficult to tell if your child’s behaviors are normal and should cause no alarm, or if it might be time to talk to you child about counseling.  It can also be difficult to tell if a child is just going through a phase or if their emotional distress is normal. Most child counseling involves the family to some degree or another. At Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, we greatly stress the importance of parents being involved in their child’s counseling. Parents can think about their child’s life in three main areas to help determine if they might need counseling.

How does your child behave at home?

  • Do you and your child fight? How intense are the fights?  How long does it take for your child to “bounce back?”
  • Does your child frequently fight or argue with siblings? How intensely do they fight and how long does it take for your child to recover from these fights?
  • Is your child withdrawn or isolating himself or herself from the family?
  • Do you and your child have the relationship that you want?

Child and Family Counseling can help build relationships between parents and children or siblings with siblings. Additionally, evaluating how children do at home is important to think about when you are considering counseling for your child.  This is especially true because the relationships that children have with their parents is a profound predictor of how they do long term.

How does your child do socially and at school?

How children do at school and in their social groups is another thing that parents should think about when they’re considering counseling. Some questions that parents should ask themselves when wondering if they should take their child to counseling are:

  • Is my child performing to his or her best abilities in school?
  • Does he or she have trouble focusing?
  • Does my child get into fights at school with peers or teachers?
  • Does my child have a difficult time making friends?
  • Do I routinely get notified of my child’s misbehavior at school?
  • Does my child frequently skip or not put in effort at school?

How does your child do in his or her personal life?

Children’s mental health is often evaluated in the context of how they’re doing at school or with family.  Also, It is important to think about your child as an individual.  Here are some questions that parents should ask themselves about their child as well:

  • Is my child generally sad or express general boredom like he or she is unable to be interested in anything?
  • Does my child seem anxious or frequently worried? Does he or she sleep too little or too much?
  • Does my child have poor self-esteem or lack confidence?
  • Making the decision to take your child to counseling can be difficult. If your child is having problems with one or two of the problems listed above it would make sense to think about talking to a professional.

Here are some things that should always be taken seriously and indicate a more urgent need for child counseling:

  1. Your child talks about wanting to die or commit suicide. Always take children talking about suicide seriously.  Call 911 or take your child to the nearest emergency room if you’re worried about your child’s safety.
  2. Your child has disclosed being sexually abused.
  3. Your child is using drugs or alcohol.
  4. Your child is engaging in self-harming behavior (cutting/burning his or herself. Binging or restricting food, etc).

 

Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling offers child counseling in addition to support for frustrated parents.  Call or email for a free consultation.  Navigating these sorts of decisions is difficult and parents don’t need to do it alone.

 

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo

 

 

Jeff LaPonsie LMSW

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, and South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma related disorders.

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Family Counseling Parenting • • By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

Family Counseling – Is it right for you and yours?

Family Counseling is a specific kind of counseling that focuses on helping families improve their relationships with one another and get along. It’s different from individual counseling in that the counseling often involves one or more people from a family at time, and that individual problems are seen in the context of family’s that are experiencing some problems.

3 Things Family Counseling can Help with:

  1. Improving your family’s ability solve problems together, and express thoughts and feelings appropriately.
  2. Explore family roles, and behavior patterns that lead to conflict, and make changes to help the family get along
  3. Identify your family strengths—like being there for one another, and weaknesses like difficulty talking about your feelings with one another.

Parents are such an important part of children’s therapy. Because of this at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, we believe that to some degree all child therapy is family therapy, because we know that parents can be the greatest healers in children’s lives.

Family therapy is built off the belief that individuals in a family are connected, and important to one another. Additionally, when one person in the family is struggling there is a direct impact on the rest of the family.  This is especially true for challenging children and frustrated parents.

Questions to ask yourself if you’re considering counseling for your family:

  1. Am I happy with the relationships that I have with my spouse or children?
  2. Does my family enjoy spending time with one another?
  3. Is there frequent conflict between family members that gets in the way of us enjoying one another (fighting)?
  4. Was there a big or sudden change in the family?
  5. Am I happy with how my spouse and I co-parent?

Reflecting on whether or not therapy is right for your family is important, and may take some time.  If you’re wondering if family therapy is right for your family please contact us.  Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling is passionate about helping parents and children get along.

 

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo

 

 

 

 

Jeff LaPonsie LMSW

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, and South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma related disorders.

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helping children with anxiety sleep
Anxiety Parenting • • By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

Anxiety and Sleep: How to help young children with anxiety sleep better

5 Tips for helping children with anxiety sleep better

Many children with anxiety have trouble sleeping. In today’s post, I wanted to write about specific things parents can do to help their young child fall asleep. Often children with anxiety or PTSD (those struggling with traumatic stress) have sleep problems.  Sometimes children with anxiety have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep.  Finally, some children have frequent nightmares that also make  nighttime hard. Here are some tips to make nighttime easier for everyone.

Set the stage for sleep

Have your child’s room cool and dark. A warm bath an hour or two before bed will also help. Drops in temperature help signal the body that its time sleep.  Helping to make sure kids are comfortable is one of the first steps in helping alleviate sleep trouble.

Remove distractions

There’s a lot of research showing that TV, video games, tablets and phones are very stimulating. It’s difficult to get kids ready to sleep when they’re amped up by an exciting cartoon, or worse, a scary movie.  Consider unplugging a few hours before bed to help kids get prepared for sleep.

Limit excitement and physical exercise

Physical exercise is great for kids, but not right before bed. Part of getting  children with anxiety ready for bed is helping them get calm enough to sleep. Additionally, soothing, nurturing activities are very helpful for kids with trouble sleeping.  Try snuggling and reading a book together or doing something else together that is calming.

Creating a night time routine to reduce anxiety

Having a night time ritual is one the single more important things parents can do to help anxious or worried children sleep. The night time ritual should be very consistent.  I tell parents that it should be a routine you can set your watch to, despite how hectic the day may have been.   Routine helps create safety and predictability, both of which help children with anxiety or nightmares relax before bed.

Lights out with a song or book

Saying good night after finishing a story time or lullaby is a wonderful way to end a night time routine that focuses on helping anxious or traumatized kids feel safe before bed. Both songs and stories can help lower the arousal in kids, which helps their brains know it’s time sleep.

In closing, making these relaxing activities part of a predictable night time ritual is very important in helping ease children into sleep. Helping children with anxiety sleep better requires lots of patience and routine.  Hopefully these 5 tips for helping children with anxiety sleep better is a good place for your family to start.

 

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo

 

 

 

 

Jeff LaPonsie LMSW

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, and South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma related disorders.

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Camp helps kids grow ( and lessen anxiety and depression in kids)
Parenting • • • • By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

How summer camp can help kids grow

In college I spent many summers teaching kids kayaking and rock climbing. It was a wonderful experience where I learned a lot about kids and the power of nature to heal and help children grow. With kids having more and more screen time, and less and less out-door time it’s easy to forget about the benefits of kids being outside. There’s a growing body of research about the benefits of children playing outside in nature.  Children who don’t go outdoors are at higher risks for anxiety, depression, and attention deficit problems (Louv, 2005).  Summer camp is a wonderful way for kids to spend time outside in nature being playful and adventurous.  Here are five reasons why kids being outside, spending  time at camp is good for parents, and helps kids grow.

5 ways Camp helps kids grow

Teaching social skills

Summer camp can be a great place for children who are struggling with making friends, communicating their ideas, asking for help, and other social skills. Through play and structured activities, they’ll be interacting with peers their age and work on making friends in a supportive and safe environment.  They’ll spends lots of time with peers and have plenty of chances to practicing being a good friend or helping others.

Teaching teamwork

Children have to share space with other kids at camp; they’ll divvy up cabin tasks through compromise and negotiation. They’ll work towards common goals and accomplish things as a member of a team. They’ll win or lose together in a game of capture the flag.  At times they’ll be leaders and learn assertiveness skills, and other times they’ll learn the importance of being a team member.  Knowing how to function as a part of team is an invaluable skill for kids to have as they move on to join sports team, participate in theater or eventually get jobs.

Build self-esteem in children with depression

Camp provides supportive opportunities for children to be appropriately challenged and experience success. Kids who struggle with depression may have feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem and thoughts of not-being “good enough.”  The rock wall at camp may seem like a fun obstacle, but for some children it can be experience where they did something they didn’t think they could do, where they learned they are stronger, and braver than they ever imagined.

Healthy risk-taking for children with anxiety

Evaluating risk is a very important skill for children to learn. Overly anxious children may be reluctant to take safe risks.  At camp they’ll be challenged to confront fears and anxiety.  They’ll learn that it’s safe to separate from family and that they can be independent.  Camp can help kids learn to challenge themselves, and learn when it’s the right time to sit something out.

Everyone wins when kids go to camp

Ever wonder why passengers on airplanes are told to help themselves first when the oxygen masks drop down? Parents need to take care of themselves to take good care of kids. When kids and their parents have healthy breaks (called respite) they enjoy each other’s company more, and are able to have quality time together.  Remember, when children go to camp they’re not just playing kickball or kayaking. They’re being taught skills that help them in life. Also it provides parents an opportunity to recharge their batteries and take care of themselves. Everyone wins when kids go to camp

Reference:

Louv, R. (2005). Last child in the woods: Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder. Chapel Hill, NC: Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill.

 

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo

 

 

 

 

Jeff LaPonsie LMSW

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, and South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma related disorders.

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Oppositional Defiant Disorder - Child Counseling Kalamazoo
Parenting • • • By Jeffrey LaPonsie 0 Comments

Challenging Children: a New perspective on Children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Viewing behavioral challenged differently:  Helping Children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and other behavioral challenged kids

Disruptive, manipulator, attention-seeking, stubborn, spoiled-brat, resistant, button-pusher, defiant, and bad kid.  These are all descriptions that are used for behaviorally challenging children by frustrated adults. Oftentimes challenging children are diagnosed with psychiatric disorders, such as oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), bipolar disorder, reactive attachment disorder (RAD) or conduct disorder (CD).  While these diagnoses serve to validate that your child is challenging in a way that is remarkable, they do not always help in getting to the root of the problem.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder or  lacking skills – Kids do well, if they can. 

Ross Greene, Ph.D, psychologist, and author of The Explosive Child believes that  Kids do well, if they can.  Even challenging children are doing the best they can in the midst of a explosive episode.  The idea that children choose to throw a tantrum, scream and cry for hours is simply untrue.  What does a kid get out of crying for two hours, getting a headache, and feeling so sick that they feel like they need to throw-up?  The answer is: nothing.

The solution

The idea that kids do well if they can is a wonderful perspective that allows parents of challenging children to see their child’s behavior with compassion and patience.  Additionally, challenging children and their parents need to be on the same team.  The alternative perspective is an adversarial one, where kids are being willful and naughty to spite their parents. In short, this sets up kids and parents to be opposite ends of the field.  The good news is that when we look at a child’s behaviors closely, it’s clear that parents can help their challenging child in a way that no one else can.

Most challenging children don’t misbehave all of the time, only some of the time. Looking at when and why they misbehave is important to understanding how parents can help.

Common reasons why challenging children misbehave:

  1. Lacking or delayed socio-emotional skills: These children often lag in skills needed in a situation where their peers are more adept. Like being flexible, having frustration tolerance, or having problem solving skills. Simply put, you can think of lagging skills as the answer to WHY do children misbehave?
  2. Unsolved Problems: These are situations in which there are demands or expectations that overwhelm the skills a child has to respond appropriately.  Most importantly, identifying unsolved problems answers the question, WHEN do children misbehave.

By  identifying lagging skills, and unsolved problems, parents can work collaboratively to help challenging children solve their problems proactively. Ultimately, helping children with oppositional defiant disorder, and other behavioral disorders begins with viewing their challenging behavior in the context of when and why.   Sometimes parent benefit from coaching and support around managing difficult or challenging behaviors in children.   Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) is an evidenced based treatment for young children (2-7) with behavioral problems.

References:

Greene, R. W. (2014). The explosive child: A new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, “chronically inflexible” children (5th ed.). New York: HarperCollins.

jeff laponsie LMSW kalamazoo

Jeff LaPonsie LMSW

Jeff LaPonsie is a clinical social worker at Kalamazoo Child and Family Counseling, PLLC. He provides counseling to children and families in the Kalamazoo, Portage, and South West Michigan area. He is passionate about helping challenging children and frustrated parents. Jeff has over seven years of experience working with at risk youth. His clinical expertise includes working with children with behavioral, anxiety, attachment and trauma related disorders.

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